(or how to travel with "outsiders")
This month (March 2022) we were fortunate to travel to beautiful Washington state. The kids and I headed down first to play in the Olympic Peninsula in a small town called Lilliwaup. Then Derek met us when his spring break started a few days later and we all headed to Chelan. The weather couldn't have been better. The kids loved the mountains, the big trees, and the warmer weather, and my parents flew over from Virginia! Having two more loving adults along for the trip was crazy awesome - for the kids, for my sanity and, well, I like my parents a lot so it was just great to hang out with them.
This post is about what I've learned about traveling with grandparents over our last two trips, although I think that several of the lessons could be applied to traveling with anyone outside your immediate family. For more on our January trip to California, specifically what it was like to fly solo with the two kids for the first time, check out this post. For more on our trip to Washington, check out this one.
Lesson 1: If renting a vehicle, it's worth it to get one with three rows if you have 2-3 adults and 2 kids in car seats. You really need two vehicles if you have four adults.
The reality is my family travels with a lot of stuff. This is not unusual for families with small children, but it does drive Derek and me a little bit crazy given how little we used to bring on trips pre-kids (we were in the "not checking a bag" club). Frankly, we look ridiculous moving through the airport: On top of our own bags (and I am super proud of how well I can get clothing and shoes for myself and two kids into one travel backpack), we've got a pack and play and two carseats and an extra bag for the bulky-but-light stuff like a travel high chair, water wings, and diapers. We have to fit all of this and ourselves and the stroller into a vehicle. So we either need an extra seat where we can stash some of this stuff or a trunk that can accommodate it when one or both back row seats is flattened.
Now add in the modest suitcases from my folks (they were both carry-on size, hard-sided rollers) and their backpacks and you can see the problem. Asking one of them to sit between the kids' carseats isn't fair for more than 30 minutes or so. So three rows was crucial for the California and Olympic Peninsula trips. Here was our set-up:
Front: two adults.
Middle row: Autumn in one bucket seat, a suitcase or two in the other. Pack and play and then other bags in between the two bucket seats as needed. We put a cooler in Autumn's foot well.
Third row: One adult and Isaac. The adult sat kitty-corner to Autumn so that he/she could also engage Autumn during longer drives.
Trunk: The stroller went in first with smaller bags or lightweight larger bags on top of it.
Everybody but the driver had their carry-on backpack at their feet.
Derek joined us for the second part of the Washington trip and we had to schlep all of our stuff from the western part of the state to Chelan so my parents ended up renting a car. I mean, where would they have sat? Technically there is a third seat in the back and the other bucket seat, but these spaces were taken. Nope. We needed two vehicles.
And the bummer of it was that once we were all settled into our airbnb in Chelan (highly recommend this place, by the way!) we really didn't need two vehicles. Without all the stuff we could easily fit our crew - 4 adults & 2 kids in carseats - in the van without issue.
Rental cars are never cheap, but they are particularly pricey since the start of the pandemic. I am looking forward to a time with no pack and plays or travel high chairs or double strollers. If we have travel buddies, we will be able to get us all into one van or large SUV at that point. If it's just my four-person family, we'll be able to fit in a "normal"-sized vehicle. I don't think that's too far away either. Phew!
Lesson 2: Get a place with 2 bathrooms.
I feel like this one is sort of self-explanatory. We had two bathrooms in California, one bathroom in Lilliwaup, and then two again in Chelan. With kids taking baths and with Isaac potty training, it's just better to have another option, you know? That's all I'll say about that.
Lesson 3: Everyone needs a break from the group.
I actually think we really rocked this one. We sort of seamlessly flowed between whole group activities, small group activities, and solo time. I think establishing up front that not everything has to be done together is crucial. My parents are also really respectful of our nuclear family time. For example, we had this great hot tub in Chelan. One day I invited my dad to join my little family (my mom wasn't into the hot tub) and he was all for it. Then when he saw us in there he backed out; he was trying to give us some family time "just us", I think. It was very cool. One day my mom and I went wine tasting while the kids slept. While we were gone, Derek went for a long walk by himself and my dad stayed back and read. I went for a jog by myself one morning and explored the little town we were staying in. My mom retreated to her room to watch a show or read sometimes when she needed a break from being grandma extraordinaire. We all went out to dinner a couple of times, but Derek and I also got to go out for a drink just the two of us once. We drove as separate "units" from Chelan back to Seattle, even though we were all going to hang out again for Autumn's birthday and I know that my parents would have had a lot of fun with one of the kids in their car.
You get the idea. It doesn't have to be everyone all together all the time. That is exhausting. But it is important to speak up when you need alone time or time with just your kids or your partner. Everyone has such good intentions on trips like this, but sometimes those intentions become overwhelming and can put pressure on people to join an activity when they really don't want to. So, be honest as much as you can. And be kind about other people not wanting to wine taste or hot tub or whatever.
Lesson 4: Let most differences in "parenting expectations" go.
I mentioned this in Lesson 3, but seriously, my parents are extraordinary grandparents. They are doting and kind and they set boundaries, which is remarkable considering that lots of grandparents don't. Nevertheless we have different ideas about parenting. This is a good thing! It takes a village, right?
Derek and I trust my parents, which is really awesome because it means that we didn't have to hover all the time. Plus on vacation we also let a lot of our house rules slide. The kids eat a lot more squeeze-y food packs and cookies. They go to bed later and watch tv more. It's okay. So we didn't feel like we had to haggle about diet or screen time or those kinds of rules with my folks who might do things differently in their house with their grandkids (although I'll say they were pretty strict with us as kids!).
There were a few things that I wanted to establish up front, and just like the group dynamics lesson, I think saying these things preemptively was better than saying them in reaction to a tense moment. So for example - our "no fast food" rule was important to maintain. We also asked my folks not to let Autumn crawl on any of the decks. We just didn't know about their safety specs, you know? Probably we were being paranoid, but whatever, we get to be as her mom and dad. But I think that was it. No McDonalds, no deck crawling. We pretty much let the rest go.
And again, we're lucky because my parents are so amazing at being grandparents. If you find yourself in a situation where your travel companions have very different expectations than you, this would be a different situation. I can imagine that you might choose to be present more or lay out more ground rules at the beginning to make your expectations clear. Maybe you choose to rent two condos instead of a shared house. Whatever you do, though, I think more communication up front is the way to go. And thanks mom and dad for all your amazing influence and guidance for my kids!!
Lesson 5: Separate sleeping spaces rock.
In California we had two large bedrooms so my folks took one and I shared a room with the kids. My room had two beds and some significant space on one side of the room. So while it was not my favorite set-up, it was doable by hiding Autumn's pack and play behind a curtain and the empty bed. Isaac and I just slept in the other bed together. In Washington we had three bedrooms in both airbnbs. So.much.better. In Lilliwaup it meant my folks were in one room, Autumn was in one room, and Isaac and I shared the third. The kids had separate night and day sleeping spaces. Glorious. In Chelan, the kids shared a room so that Derek and I could have some privacy. This was mostly okay, but Isaac did wake Autumn up two hours earlier than normal every day. So she was pretty sleep deficient by the time we got home. For nap time we put a pack and play in our bedroom so that the kids slept in separate spaces.
I think separate bedrooms for the kids until they really understand what it means to "be quiet" and not wake the other kid up is helpful, but the more rooms you want, the more you're going to spend. I'm not psyched about spending more if we can mostly make it work. So my lesson is: For one night you can do anything. For more than one night it's great to have a separate sleeping space (a room or a pull-out couch in a living room) for mom & dad. If traveling with grandparents, have at least three rooms, and get creative with set-up as need be.
Quick aside: Isaac has been out of a crib for three months, but he didn't get that he could climb out of his pack and play just as easily so we've still used one for naps. Two days ago he figured it out. So while I'm bummed about the lack of a contained nap option, I'm PSYCHED that we only need one pack and play for future trips. Which brings me to our 6th and final lesson, which has nothing at all to do with traveling with grandparents....
Lesson 6: Rent places that provide pack and plays.
I won't go into the details of how this worked out in Washington (I'll just say, "not easily" and "THANK YOU Allie, Joyce & Marcia"), but we are traveling to Europe this summer and I am not booking a hotel room or airbnb unless it comes with a pack and play. I will not lug one through another airport or train station again. Now that we only need one, this is an entirely realistic expectation. Yes, it might be old and tattered (Hawaii trip, Lilliwaup trip) and yes the mattress is harder than her normal crib mattress (tough it up, AG), and maybe we'll run into something broken or missing, but mostly whatever the hosts or hotels provide will be just fine.
And that's it for my notes on traveling with grandparents! I think a common theme from all our trips is to plan ahead and stay flexible. When traveling with folks outside your family, as much as possible communicate with your travel buddies ahead of time so that you feel good about things such as driving together (or not!), sharing a bathroom together (or not!), leaving your kids with them (or not!). Be realistic about how much stuff you will all have as a group and how much space you'll need. Be kind to each other about personal space and small group time. And remember how lucky you are to be able to travel with people you love!!!
I miss you already mom and dad.
Drop your own stories and tips about traveling with others in the comments. And as always if you have any thoughts or questions, don't hesitate to get in touch!
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